Beat' EM, Cheat' EM, Leave' EM Bleedin'

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Beat' EM, Cheat' EM, Leave' EM Bleedin'

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BY MISTER BIG ‘N’ FAST BOBBY KNUCKLES

CHEAT, WOMANIZER, TM INSTRUCTOR

A Steal at Any Price!

The Complete Guide to Turning Trust to Profit. Learn to Convert Warm Relationships into Cold Cash!

Drink Free for the Rest of Your Life!

WELCOME TO MY WONDERFUL WORLD OF CHEATING!

"Good boys go to heaven, bad boy's go everywhere."
—Meatloaf


Dedicated to Mother Superior Elizabeth O’Keefe, SSJ, for suggesting my talents were not suited for the priesthood.

Scamtoons by Cal
Dice & Card Illustrations by Tony Dunn
Cover Design by Liz Kaufman
Edited by Matthew Field

Second Edition 2018


About the author

Mister Big 'N' Fast Bobby Knuckles is the pseudonym for a Vatican exorcist. If possessed, contact DEVIL_GOT_ME.COM

CHEATING: SACRED HERITAGE & YOUR NEW HOBBY

“Do they have to be honest?” —W.C. Fields (when asked if he would like to make a few honest dollars for himself.)

“The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.” —Abbie Hoffman

CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
WHERE TO GET MARKED CARDS LOADED DICE AND DOUBLE-HEADED COINS 3
DOUBLE-HEADED COINS 5
CON OF THE REALM 5
POCKET CHANGE 6
TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE 6
TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD 6
NONE OUT OF THREE 8
TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BADDER 8
HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE 9
A PENNEY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS 9
MARKED CARDS 13
TEN CARDS, TWENTY FINGERS, UNLIMITED CASH 13
THE GAME OF 31 15
AC/DC DEAL 17
MONTES & POKER SCAMS 19
SVENGALI MONTE 19
TWO-CARD MONTE 21
THREE-CARD MONTE 22
JIGGERY POKERY 23
LOADED DICE 25
ANOTHER GAME OF 31 25
BONE DRY 26
PAIR OF DICE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT 28
A SIMPLE DICE SWITCH 28
BET NOIRE 28
MONTE BONES 29
OTHER IDEAS 37
GAME OF BONES 37
OIL & WATER DICE 39
5-3-4-1-6-2 41
COUNT DICEULA 44
THE CHICAGO BAR SCAM 45
CHICAGO BAR CARD SCAM 46

INTRODUCTION

THE UNIVERSAL LOOPHOLE: Hard work and easy money never find themselves together. It is even an article of faith with some that the more effortless the cash collection, the more probable the hand of the devil.
An honest living throws up so many moral, ethical, religious and legal constraints that modern men and women may never venture to cheat, scam, hoodwink and clip their friends and thus they may never feel the decadent thrill that comes only from doing just that.
HERE IT IS: But I’ve got good news, real good news, a loophole so big you can scam all day and still go home at night feeling that if this was another time and place, your eligibility to carry the Ten Commandments down from the mountain and start a new religion would be completely unaffected.
WORD UP BRO’—‘CAUSE—
If you want to steal from the suckers, simply tell them so.
That’s right.
  • Tell them that you will be taking their money.
  • Tell them that they have no chance of winning.
  • Tell them that no matter how fair or how impossible your proposal is, they will still lose, all the time, every time, for all time because—
  • You will be cheating them.
Why then would anyone venture to bet a penny?
MY FAVORITE DEADLY SIN: Greed, naturally. That’s because not only do you tell the marks that they will lose their money, you also tell them that they may learn something, something that may make them a lot of money.
Yes that’s right my man, they may learn just how the scam going down works. And if they do, then that day, and the next day and every day from then on, they can go out in the world and use that knowledge to make money. Big money, friendly money, easy money. They will never pay for a drink again as long as they live.
THIS AIN’T NO GAMBLIN’, THIS AIN’T NO FOOLIN’ AROUND: So they’re not betting with you, they’re paying tuition, because this is less a con game than a lesson in conning, less a risk than an investment, not a sin but a virtue, a virtual act of empowerment. Praise the Lord and pass the suckers.
And in the result, you are being totally honest about your dishonesty and if the marks want to continue, the sin is theirs, not yours. The downtime in Hell has been transferred from your soul to the soul of the sucker. If only programming your VCR was this simple.
LOVE: Now this approach has a number of positive results, in addition to the star on the afterlife report card. First, set up this way, marks almost never balk at handing over the cash (how could they, since by playing they’ve agreed it’s okay for you to take it). Second, people love this kind of thing, even when they lose. In every soul, no matter how pure, there is always a dark corner that resonates near larceny, thrills in the presence of swindle, sings when the hustle is imminent.
CHARITY: But why should I tell you about all this? What are my motives? Well, as a condition of my parole and to fulfill the community service obligation, I am forced to share with you the best parts of my large collection of bar betchas, scams, cons and skewed proposals and propositions so that you may never fall victim to them, Whether your victim falls is up to you, because—
HOPE: —I would never suggest that anyone should use this information to cheat those not fortunate enough to have purchased this little volume. Rather, if used, I would hope the objective would only be to entertain, stimulate the intellect or bring a little light to those huddled in the darkness of ignorance. Good luck—but you won’t need it. You will need some other stuff, though, so turn the page and get your wallet out.
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Name Beat' EM, Cheat' EM, Leave' EM Bleedin'
SKU 04-1363
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